It is midnight in Chateau Anand on 27th October 2013. I am at a crux in my existence. We are literally a matter of days away from these Russians leaving, and taking with them the bubbles that they have blown up all around us. A storm interferes. It is blazing across these lands with hurricane-force winds. I see it in the distance.
Shri Ram, Jai Ram. Om Namah Shivaya. Over and over, this becomes my everything. There are no songs in my head but this mantra now, ever. It is true what they say – one-pointedness of the mantra brings with it a huge amount of joy. It also brings salvation, from anything.
I often dream of people coming after me, maybe with a syringe or with a machete or a gun, trying to kill me. I become paralysed in my body, and can’t escape even if I tried to. I can wriggle like a worm, and that is it. I am able to respond with mantra, and the mantra does more than any physical force could ever do. I have destroyed demons with the simple repetition of this incredible mantra.
Om triambakam yajamehe, skandi pushti vardenum. Uvera, kami bandena mrityur myuksha mamritat. Om shivaye namaha.
Outdoors is warmth, and a magical clear sky. I cannot believe quite how I ended up here. It is so incredibly different to places of past, places that I have found myself home in, places that for some reason I couldn’t allow myself to go back to right now whilst I have so much that needs processing. Considering what I am going through here, what I am allowing to erupt for processing here, I am being treated very gently by this place. I am bringing my witnessing of the wholescale destruction of the natural environment around me by pure dark magic, and I am being responded with simple stings by hornets or by scratches and bruises, and mild emotional torment. It is absolutely nothing, in a relative sense.
I see beauty here, magnified intricately.
Poetry is my companions’ hearts and their spirits are made of glistening embers. This warmth is so comfortable.
We share each other’s company and cherish the wisdom that we can propose. We are marrying are hearts with the totality of this existential crisis that the world has somehow got into. What is existence if, when looked at from a planet a few billion miles away, we don’t even yet exist? What is this breath, then, that we respond to? It may exist to us, but not to others. Why prize such things that just we seem to think we perceive, when we could be allowing for the totality of potentiality to take over? It may get fairly trippy, like as if you’re on acid or something, but it’s worth it in the end. You realise that you can’t really describe anything anymore. You want to just use the sound that you can create with your body, because at least then you can feel what it is like and know that this sound holds true meaning. These words, I vow you to know, mean absolutely whatever you value them to be. They can be constructed by your mind in however your mind wishes to construct them. Make beauty and peace, or make war and corruption. Make it what it is meant to be.
We love each other for each of us has a heart that is blooming tender flowers that may or may not ripen in this mid-Autumn warmth. We are all tender. We all share the same need to be touched in loving and non-attached ways, where there is nothing but unconditional love flowing through the entire experience and no nature of ‘self’ is present. We look deep into the eyes of the others, and hope and pray that they are seeing things spiritually as they look into our souls. We hope that they don’t fall in love with us, but rather fall in love with everything that is being created all around us, and all around everywhere. Love for all things and all experiences, rather than love for one and only. Love that is boundless, boundless, boundless, never to be restricted. Love that is revolutionary. Love that moves mountains by its simple projection into the distance. Love that can be seen from miles away. Love that shines through the darkness. Beacons, beacons, beacons. All across these lands. Every Sunday at 7pm London time we become beacons in our own ways, lighting the way before us for all who seek, for all who look for light, and for ourselves. Together, stronger. Where there is great love, there are always miracles.
I cannot believe quite all the stuff that has happened to me here. I now anticipate eagerly my next sting from a hornet. I will let it sting till it is ready to stop stinging. I will not interrupt the process anymore. I love them all dearly. They are my brothers and sisters, as are all of these things around me. There is so, so much beauty around me. I am so, so blessed to be experiencing this. I can’t believe that it’s all happened like this.
A couple of weeks ago I dreamt that I ran away from here. I’d had enough. I couldn’t do it anymore. I ran to England, back to Dersingham, where it is safe. When I arrived back home, I realised what a mistake I had made. I realised that I was in France for a reason, in this crazy community for a reason, and I had effectively ran away from my whole process of being there without giving it a chance to take full effect. I was distraught. I prayed deeply that I could turn back time. Time turned back:- I woke up, in my bed at Chateau Anand. The greatest amount of ecstasy filled me. It was one of the biggest joys I believe I ever have experienced. I had turned from making a mess of life, to being back in this adventure of everything. It was an absolutely incredible blessing to receive, and worth every bit of suffering that I had been through both in getting here and in being here. To be loving the act of living is more special than any other kind of love.
By your grace, I see the light.