They drew first blood: be gentle

Look what she told me;
I was dead and never could return.
It is within me
that the darkness is born.

tortoise breath

I have been strolling and not stopping, really, for a long time.  Times in the community were magic, and the building of love has been sacred.  The city stirred the energy to new heights, and leaving the city was even incredible.

Things have stopped.

I arrived back to my mum’s house in the reclaimed marshes on the cusp of The Wash in Norfolk on Monday evening, after perhaps nine weeks away.  Nine weeks of high-energy everythingness.  I come back here, and the energy is as high as ever.

Thing is – the facade is slow and repetitive and like as if everything is glued stuck.  But, beneath this, everything is busier than I’ve experienced in these last months.  I’m grinding to a halt here, as I’m forced to allow everything to surface.  Everything?  Everything?

I distract myself with projects.  I’m not doing much, but the energy is high in everything.

I have the roar of a friend of mine playing bass in a band that started in these parts.  People who threw their energy into a touring musical madness:- they are one of the most energetic bands you will hear in this country, and their live shows are incredible.  They pour seemlessness into my chest, through these speakers, the vibrations changing things inside of me.

I have spoken with people recently about my roots here.  Norfolk, oh Norfolk, where are you?  What are you?  What is this place?
I have understood places that have ripped me to pieces, places that have exhausted, places where there’s so much going on and it all seems like madness.  I understood London very well, recently.  These parts are working on something deeper and crisper, and I have never understood much of it.
There will be something happening here in the future.  I’ve felt a pulsation of it through me.  Does this mean I reach this life and love out to fixate on this?  It all happens as a breath.  Lifeforce.
I hold a manifesto for revolution, and, whilst there are areas that I have been that have held their own as bases for this and I have seen huge developments in this places, this East Anglian landscape must be where everything begins and ends for me.  That is what these roots mean.
I spoke with my mother about this, and I have spoken with her a lot before about it.  She will not be joining me on this pursuit.  She does not hold a future for this area.  She is scared to die here.  Her fear forms a stronger foundation for revolution.

This is a rare time for me now.  I am now in my third day of being structureless, of staying up until dawn, and of not being at all clear-headed with what I am doing with myself.

We shared a body scan meditation earlier.  Shortly after the meditation finished, I found a mantra inside me.  It said be gentle.  There is so much that has been happening.  There is so much energy going into so many different things, and I feel like I have extended my energy outwards to quite a distance.

But is this life?
But is this all necessary?
But what if
What if I were to just
for a day or two?
Like as if existence never happened
and then I return
like as if I never disappeared.

I carry on, and observe as everything comes up and goes back down.



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