I have been back in Norfolk, at the home of my upbringing, for almost a week. I arrived in the heat of last week, travelling the opposite way to D-Day, going back back back to the land of green and rain. It stormed a fair bit, but I arrived in solid form.
The world around me – is it a reflection of what is going on inside me? This questions plagues me a lot. When I am feeling quite disjointed inside, it is hard to cope with this disjointed world that is all around me.
Things that I was vehemently disciplined in, like meditation practice; sobriety; abstinence from most forms of technology….these have fallen away this year, in different forms. My meditation has attempted a resurgence in the last couple of weeks, but I have definitely drank alcohol on a number of occasions since Christmas, and this week marks my first week of having a mobile phone in over two years.
Why is this happening? What can I possibly gain from dropping these disciplines?
A stronger, and deeper, discipline has continued to take control of my life, ever since my life was tipped to its side seven years ago. I must go with where the flow is taking me. I must have faith, Faith is all it is. Faith that everything is guided, everything has a greater purpose and meaning, even if it may seem negative on the outset.
I was getting quite into the preparations for the World Cup, over the last few weeks. A friend in Switzerland kind of enthused me about it. But last night, when the actual programmes were about to start, I realised that I am not supposed to be watching any of it. This year, for the first year of my life, I am not interesting myself in any of the happenings of the football world cup.
I could give countless reasons to explain my decision, but none would really actualise it for me. I am not following it because I have received a clear message telling me absolutely definitely not to follow it. I take this to be a serious message from God – but others may see it as a burst of intuitive wisdom.
I left Brittany, and the project that I started with a dear friend of mine, prematurely. Things felt like as if they had exploded into chaos, and I was unable to do anything to remedy things that wouldn’t seriously harm me in the process. And, with me being the rather emotionally fragile me of late, it was a fairly easy decision to drop away from it all, and head straight back to homelands. There is, of course, massive disappointment inside me about how it has finished, but I know that I cannot deter from the way that I have been guided to go.
Lately, there have been plenty of situations within which I have felt a strong urge to push everybody away, and to go to a sacred, personal space, where nobody could possibly find me. I’ve felt like I’ve lost trust in a lot of people over the past year, as paranoia has taken hold of my mind at times, but it is not for this that I get these urges. It is essential, according to my heart, to give oneself unbounded access to oneself extremely regularly. Without coming in touch with oneself, one cannot dream of ever being able to exude a true dream of a better world, whether inside or outside one’s self. We must touch the core of our beings, and allow it to show itself, regardless of however painful it may be. When we listen to it, see it, and allow it all to be there, we stop judging and repressing it. And, of course, when we stop judging and repressing things that are going on inside, we stop giving ourselves the most painful judgements and repressions that we will receive in our whole lives.
Ultimately, it feels like nobody is, or should be, really above thine own inner connection. When we cherish the internal connection, we cherish the whole world.
I remember, when I sat in Noah Levine’s The Inner Revolution teachings last September, he criticised many meditators for looking like ‘zombies’ when they do their walking meditation practice. He insisted that, instead, we should walk 20 metres at normal pace in a straight line, pause, turn around, then walk 20 metres back along the same line. All done mindfully. Like on a conveyer belt, in a way. Somewhat robotic, I have to say.
My point is – Noah was critiquing a status quo, and replacing it with another, without giving any room for the inner, independent self to find what worked best. Maybe, sometimes, it’s more important to be robotic. But, my intuition was telling me, at this time, to be a zombie. So I zombie-walked my 20 metres up and down, rather quite combining the two techniques, and it felt right at the time.
I can guarantee that what feels right now probably will not feel right this time next year. This is a special time, a unique time, perhaps, whereby everything feels completely as everything feels right now. People can argue against what I’m doing in life right now, and maybe their intuition is telling them to raise such arguments. But, if my intuition tells me to continue, then that is what I must keep doing.
So I will sit down, in my meditation posture, and day-dream for half an hour. Guruji Sri Subramanium suggested that meditation should not be taught anymore at Skanda Vale because people were just day-dreaming excessively. And, well, maybe the day-dreams were the right things to be happening at that time. Maybe a world-saving idea will come into the mind of a mischievous meditator who, rather than completely emptying the mind, will allow for only creative thoughts to come through. And maybe the Buddha realised he was the Buddha whilst in meditation. Cessation, sure, but sensation…………
On the radical edge of life, as it feels as if I am living on, or towards, right now, there seems to be the continuous need to assess one’s actions. Am I doing the right thing, in staying up until 4am on a computer when I have to rise at 8am? This time that I have, at night, is the uninterrupted creative time that is not allowed to exist in the daytime, no matter where I am. There is always so much other energy in the day, and the energy may often collide into mine. At night, there’s very little happening, and I can more truly experience having some time to myself.
…the man who has found what he sought, such a man could approve of every doctrine, each and every one, every path, every goal; nothing separated him any longer from all those thousands of others who lived in the eternal, who breathed the Divine.
– Herman Hesse, Siddhartha.