You don’t need to know me for very long to understand that I’ve got an offbeat sense of reality, to say the least.
Sometimes it’s almost a little shocking to me how my scope of reality can completely change.
The other day, I was totally overcome with emotion, feeling like I’d lost the love of my life (again), but also overwhelmed by the presence of Maha Lakshmi right before my eyes, everywhere.
Tonight my mala broke in the opening aarthi of the evening puja. I was ringing the big set of bells, and on conch duty, and I noticed all the rudraksha beads falling to the ground. For me, it was a clear sign of a new beginning, I’d made this mala in Shiva festival in June last year, using bailer twine as it’s thread because it was all I could find. I was always aware it could break sometime, and was reluctant to get it blessed in mahabishekams after some time because of its liability to breaking. It was a really intense experience, because there’s been so much happening in life recently to do with new beginnings coming very soon, and it was like the divine agreeing that now is definitely the time for things changing.
And we watched a film tonight, called ‘Moon’, and I got so totally absorbed in it that I felt I’d really lost touch with a part of myself, and that I needed to listen to hardcore punk music to reestablish a sense of me.
In these pujas, sometimes I get this light-headed feeling, that coincides with an intense moment in the actual happenings. I’ve now found a way to describe it – it’s like a strong G-force feeling, like when you’re on a rollercoaster and it goes so fast and kind of zaps your head a little. But this is happening to me without any involvement of gravity, or anything else. Its just the energy in the temple. And it’s developing so much every day.
Last night I bit the bullet and wrote a letter. It’s been crazy – I think the energy has been so refined here that the slightest suggestion of things get locked in my mind. Marriage and kids has become an immediate reality of what I need to be doing. That was never such an immediate thing for me before – I mean, the thought isn’t so unappealing at all, but it’s quite intense that it’s become so clear in me. It’s almost like something’s telling me that there’s a bit of urgency to it all. So I kind of declared an act of love. Because for three days it has shook me all over the place – but I told myself I wouldn’t do anything about it until it settled a little. So with a beer in my hand and a few in my belly, I felt finally sober to write to her. And it felt so good to do so, when I finally found how it needed to be written. I realised that I have such a lack of confidence in myself in relationship matters. I’ve had one relationship since my big breakup at 17, and that relationship was never formalised at all. The idea of telling a girl I like her is like the worst idea ever, because, what if she doesn’t like me back? It would be so crushing. But yesterday I bit that bullet and chewed it down to a curd. Things have changed now. So much has happened in life lately that I’ve learnt not to fear the recourse of actions so much. I just watch as the life dramas unfold in whatever ways they need to. But, of course, to stop me obsessing over the matter and it truly driving me crackers, I’ve banned myself from checking emails for the next few days, so I can just live without constantly thinking about her.
And my situation here is so mad. I had a talk with the Swamis a week after the inauguration about my situation here. I asked if I could stay until the end of the 40 days of post-inauguration specialness, but I didn’t want to become a monk so I will leave Skanda Vale shortly after that. They agreed. But I’m still here now – the 40 days finished almost two weeks ago! Swami Narayana told me he’s felt like he’s been in a state of limbo for a little while now. I told him I felt that for most of the summer. He explained that Guru taught that once someone knows exactly what their future is, they become too comfortable in what’s going on now and no longer appreciate all that goes on. I understand that. But it’s mad – it now looks like I’ll be going back very very shortly before Christmas, maybe even only arriving in Wales on Christmas eve. And then I’ll be moving out on the 30th December. I feel like just eloping abroad 😂
I sat at the special rock earlier, where Babaji said a siddha reached enlightenment some many hundreds of years ago. I’d had a headache for a while, so felt I needed to sit and offer everything. I sat there, and realised the stunning beauty of where I was. Everything was very still, really still. There’s noone living anywhere nearby right now – we have the entire mountain to ourselves, pretty much. And then I offered everything, and asked that things resolve in the right ways. For most of the time I was there, the headache had disappeared. I stood after an hour or so to come back, and the headache came back.
Alas, the communion had finished.
Oh, and for quite a while, Mummy Bear, my teddy bear that I’ve had since 2 years old and who I have with me here, has actually taken on the cuddling form of her….. In teddy bear form, yet the energy is there.