Under the light of the supreme

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There is another ‘supermoon’ tonight. This is my last full moon at Soma Skanda ashram, at least in this sequence of things. I leave, I think, next Tuesday, after having lived here for over 6 months.

Tonight the sky is extraordinary. Yesterday I took this photo of the mist disappearing to reveal the most amazing sunshine, and snowy mountains. Tonight the moon is in the centre of a massive sky. You know how sometimes the sky seems like it’s four times it’s usual size? Everything is alive in tonight’s sky.

I look up at the goporum roof, and remember the immense privilege it was too help build that. It almost happened secretly – I just got told I had to help Swami Govinda with some roofing work, and wasn’t told anything about it, and ended up doing much of the work without him, having either Severine or Benoit working alongside me. One day lunch came extremely late – we weren’t called in until about 4pm, and we were very hungry. It was a fondu lunch, and there were secret little glasses of Kirsch around the table for dipping bread into. I was sat next to Ralph, and we were both laughing about our Kirsch stock continuously being topped up. I was stuffed, and pleasantly away. Swami Govinda said about having a kip for a while, but Benoit refused, saying we had to get straight back to work. I’m the end we settled on being back on the roof by 6pm. This gave me 8 minutes to lie down. To my word, I was back on the roof by 6. But I was alone for at least 15 minutes, until Benoit finally turned up. Swami Govinda arrived maybe a little after half 6. Then a very funny thing happened – Benoit and I were measuring up the last plank that had to be put on, as a notch had to be cut out for fixing around the wooden Kalasam base. We measured plenty of times – Benoit is very thorough with this stuff, as he’s an instrument maker and has always had to be very precise. So we cut the notch out of the plank, knowing it was going to be pretty much a perfect fit because we’d measured it so much. We put the plank in, and there was a massive gap! We were both so shocked! We measured again, and I realised that we’d read ‘9.5cm’ instead of ‘6.5cm’. I’m sure people have this problem a lot, because 9 is an upside down 6 and vice versa. I burst out laughing, it seemed obvious that this was a joke straight from the divine telling us not to be so very serious with what we were doing.

I took a break from the internet today. It felt very good to do. I’ve been feeling quite lonely recently – but I’m obviously not the only one, as Swami B had been clearly feeling the same, and mentioned that he thought people shouldn’t be up here for more than a few weeks at the most because of the isolation. So I’ve been checking my emails a few times a day, craving something from anyone. Well, that’s not quite true – I’ve been hoping to receive contact from Anja, but almost in an obsessive way. And so that’s the energy I’ve been giving off – a feeling of real deprivation. And yet, the world up here is so incredibly beautiful. Just it’s hard to appreciate it when feeling lonely. And I feel lonely even though there’s two very lovely and interesting monks to share time with. It’s funny how I can get so lost in what I haven’t got, I forget about what I have got.

I’ve had some extremely brilliant dreaming lately. Last night was top notch. I can’t say much about it, but it was like saying, yes Simon, worldly distance is really nothing, the astral body transcends all that.

I’m singing new songs in almost every puja now. Sri Ram was trying to encourage us to sing new songs when he was here but I wasn’t so inspired until I started singing on my own in every lunchtime puja. Today I sung another new Amma bhajan (Jai Jai Janani), and tomorrow I hope to sing Krishna Das’s version of the Hanuman Chalisa. Every time I sing a new song, it’s like the temple gets energised that little bit more. It’s an incredible time, and I’m so happy to be a part of it.

But, soon, in just a few weeks, I will be on the Isle of Wight starting something totally different because that’s where I’m next meant to be. I take a deep breath, and move on with it. Everything will be different, but there is so so much potential there. I was reminded this morning of my time at Château Anand, and in particular the feeling and emotions I had for a little while whilst there. I felt absolutely on top of the world for a while, was completely brimming in confidence. I haven’t felt that since. But i know that it’s there waiting to come out again, but needs for the right setting. And that’s what I’ll find, and then it will be out and free again. Transformative.

Amma sings, everybody sings, Om namah shivaya, Om namah shivaya namah Om.

I’m ready to be totally taken away by love.

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