… You still haven’t lost her

[previously unpublished]
Written August 2016

150 meteors per hour, my body vibrating with the cold of the night, but talking about mountain yogic practice of melting snow on one’s bare body by focusing on the temperature being a fire and thus it becomes so.

Temple building. It’s surreal sometimes – I’m here whether I like it or not, because it felt right to come here, and feels right to continue to be here. But what grips me, what really really grips me and makes my heart buzz and beat stronger, is this massive sensation I got the other day that I am going to run a full marathon. And, this temple building is a part of that – an intense focus, I a character is this unravelling, but it’s pushing me in directions, most that I ignore but some that are so particularly vivid. Running 26 miles. The furthest I’ve ever ran is 13 miles, and last time I did that, March last year, it was so so hard as I hadn’t trained properly. But 26 miles on dodgy hips seems like quite an undertaking.

I get challenges a lot. Last week, I had to cut into the foundations of the Nandy murthi (which is yet to arrive) for taking out the belts that will be carrying the murthi into place. I became very nervous about this job, my stomach turning on thinking about it. But it went fine, was intense but I’m will experienced in angle grinding and breaking now that that came through beyond the anxiety.
This week, I have experiences of my emotional boundaries being pushed a fair bit. When this is happening, I find I just have to stand back and watch as I get a little infatuated again. Offer it to the divine at the next possible opportunity, and release it all. Allow life to continue to be constantly guided, as it always has been, and always will for as long as I allow so. Whatever’s meant to happen will happen with our without my conscious input.

My heart yearns, letting me know it needs more attention.

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