Gather, crowd, around me
In the gutter where you found me
Help me stand now
My body, it is aching
And my poor old heart is breaking
And I’m so freaked out
We’ve got a big chance coming
A big chance coming now
This is not quite how I’m feeling now, but sums up loosely lots of things from the last few years.
In late spring when I was last here, the sacred meadow, I had a conversation with the universe about love. I was told roughly to surrender to what will happen. Just allow it to happen. And this was romantic love the conversation was referring to. There no doubt about monastic life for me then – I was absolutely blown away from this experience, and it carried on for weeks after, into my opening weeks at what was to later become Soma Skanda Ashram. I was already in love, and yet couldn’t definitely place a personality to it. The only girl I’d had any really strong hint at that kind of connection with in recent years had been Anja, but I’d barely even met her by that point, and so I shrugged my shoulders and enjoyed the ride of being blown away by love.
Seven months later, I sit in the same hills. The energy is different. But there’s still a beauty so strong, I know it’s waiting for the right times. This is a very special place. The local devas here are full of wonder and magic towards everything.
I sit down. It’s my first walk really by myself outside of Skanda Vale since seven months ago. As soon as I lie back, I remember my conversation I had seven months ago. And I remember being told to just surrender to what will happen. I said in that conversation that I wanted so badly to fall in love again, and to have family, to give myself fully to living devotion through family.
And there’s sparks. There’s sparklingmagicalstarsglitter in the air. It’s been the most incredible journey over the last month, even if only internally. Whilst the work took over for all of the summer as we had to build a temple, once that stopped and we started just living again it was like as if the seedling that sprouted in the late spring suddenly found the right time to reach for the sky at an astonishing speed and won’t stop reaching till it feels the sky’s cool heartbeat.
And this island is so so full of magic!
The day of my leaving Skanda Vale, I was on the train with Mum and Greta. They both had to get off to change trains in Wales, whilst I’d decided to split my ticket at Bristol Parkway and meet friends at Temple Meads for a few hours. As soon as they left the train, I watched the video that Anja had told me about in her birthday email to me (I’d not heard from her in weeks, but Mother had told me to be patient and just wait till I left Skanda…I didn’t even receive anything on my birthday itself, and of course when I checked email on the train there was the best one ever from Anja sending me quite over-the-moon). It was the most beautiful and loving birthday greeting, full of greetings from all her family at their Christmasy gathering. It touched me so strongly. It was the first thing I really experienced upon being out on my own out of Skanda Vale, leaving after my 14½ month stay. A fantastic way to start life away from the ashram.
And I feel so chilled about things. I know that I need to be working as soon as possible, and that I need to get my driving license before I could even contemplate moving to Switzerland (if that’s what I’m meant to be doing). It’s such a leap of faith, every decision that I make from now on. But I’m not the only one – it seems like so many others are taking these big leaps of faith now.
For me, I needed to leave the ashram in order to get closer to God. It seems like a paradox, but it’s not. You follow what feels right, without thinking too much into it. You’ve got a white day coming. You’ve got a white day coming. And the waves are lapping in, my heart beats different with this romantic love encapsulated in it, and I feel a massive feeling of duty/responsibility now, even though it hasn’t come anywhere into perspective yet. And the stars are shining extra special tonight. It’s a special alignment night.