Pujas on a solitary island

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The moon setting over the back of Brading

And it kills me, yeah it kills me,
that I don’t know what I can do.
Just one more beer, and then grow up.
You’ll finally know that life’s okay
even when bad things happen;
Just one more beer, and then grow up.

My walking meditation for my daily practise is averaging about 10 miles at the moment, and needing to be longer each time. Tomorrow may be a really long one. So much to process, and so much to deal with.

But my pujas – each puja is an incredible experience, it is so concrete and I absolutely have to do them, I have no choice in the matter. I always have had choice with any practise I’ve done before, but now I’m not included in the equation. I’m simply the boy doing the job.

Tonight, the evening Shakti puja (which means the puja finished with 108 Shakti names and then Chamundaye arthi) ended with something special having to happen. Offering the arthi to the large cloth image of Kali on the shrine, I was taken to the lower belly on the image, and felt an intense tightness and kind of throbbing pain. It was accompanied by the usual tenderness of my heart area, that suddenly made itself known again a bit more. I knew that it was her, and that somehow it was all going to unravel in the next few moments. Offering the arthi for a while whilst concentrating so strongly on the breath and waiting for a sign of things clearing somewhat. Then I got a clear message that the lingam – which is the primordial manifestation in essence, the simplest and purest form of Shiva carrying all the concentration of universal energies in one form – had to be offered. So I offered the wooden lingam that I got given on my birthday (by Lee, a friend at Skanda Vale). And gradually I felt a real sense of things clearing. Relief, but so much uncertainty.

Sometimes this spiritual stuff can be so uncertain. How do I know that this isn’t just things playing around in my mind? How do I know that I’m not just making it all up in my mind and that’s why I’m feeling these things, because it’s all conjured by me? This is like asking myself how do I know that anything exists at all. And that settles things. Things calm. I keep moving with what moves in the right ways. There’s infinite different directions that my life could go in now. I know really strongly what I want. It’s the strongest that maybe I’ve ever known what I want. And I offer it all up every single day. Because in the end, it’s not mine for the choosing. None of this life has been mine. And so I keep offering it all, every day.

And I keep walking into the face of uncertainty with every pace forwards.

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