Tag Archives: balcombe

Fighting light, lighting lights

[previously unpublished]
Written March/April 2016

It is the beginningless of the endless,
and the birds are colonising our

Every night
I put my head down.
It is so, so quiet, for a few hours, until I must stir at 4.45. I couldn’t dream of anything more exquisite, and extraordinary.
I never know when
my dreams
will take me someplace
deeper than I could ever go in this body.
The dreams,
the fairytales,
all relative of reality,
and bordering with divinity,
just as I Am right here now.

Sometimes, I remember things.
Like, walking through Auxerre, or Alicante, or even Jepara (where they sell the most beautifully carved hardwood furniture of central Java). Or I remember sitting in a small plantation of Christmas trees, surrounded by police and angsty protesters, screaming out to Divine Mother and Lord Shiva. And I remember times of immense intimacy with different girlfriends. And I remember, a lot of the time, different motorbike journeys I had, and experiences I had when I had the bike. And I remember those four days I had at the vegetable factory in King’s Lynn, and different experiences whilst surveying. And I remember mascoting, and feel sad sometimes when remembering mascoting. And I think of family, and different friends, and ‘Happiness is only real when shared’….. And I’m so so often getting thoughts become intense imaginative cycles about where and what I will be at the end of this year…

It’s all

We distract ourselves
from what is deeply surging us onwards.
We get caught in cycles of thought and imagination
that takes us away
from the dazzling sight
of the ice-crackling beauty
that begins
in front of the very cornea
that gives us form
and formlessness.

And we will scream
at the oppressors in front of us
not realising
that they
just are;
One and the same
As ourselves.

edge of life

The Art of Treating the Job Search as Sacred

It’s a new life.

It’s your last chance to make your mother and father proud.

impossibleHidden away, in a field of empty chairs, we close our eyes and think of any way out of this swamp that we’ll sink into as soon as we step off the chair.  We will not see the light of the free world until we become unearthed by wolves, or deer, or the life under the soil.  We cannot see a light anymore.

I, this body, this mind, this sentience, am in a job or career search that I neither understand, nor find a sense of salvation or answers through.  The days can be troubling, with many ideas coming through my mind.  I kid myself at times with it all.  I tell myself that I’ll get a really comfortable life for myself; ya know, the sort with motorised transport and regularity and wearing smart clothes and with a lover and stuff.  Then, I question whether this is actually what I want, at all.  I remember over and over that I told Skanda Vale that I’d be back soon, and 6 weeks later and I’m still not back and probably won’t be back for some months.  I think back to my time at Chateau Anand a huge amount, maybe as it was this time last year that I was first settling in to my 2-month stay there.  I get myself a little confused over not quite understanding what is going on for me right now.  But, all this is leading to something big, something really big.

Almost 18 months ago, I wrote about my dissertation becoming a sacred experience.  It had become a daily meditation, and a daily focus for much of my energy.  Through it, I rekindled a loving relationship with my home area, and found some long-standing roots.  And through it, I found a way to truly love something that was being created by my own creativity.  Now I am sitting here, having been on a computer for much of the last few days looking for jobs and even doing the absolute worst, lowest-paid jobs I can imagine is even possible, and I’m going to tell you all that it is a sacred experience.  Because, well, there’s nothing else but the sacredness of this whole unravelling.

Unlike the Sacred Dissertations writing, this writing has been hugely inspired by quotes that I have read from Henry David Thoreau.  There’ll be four sections, for how I feel, somewhere deep inside this whole existence, that whatever is going on now is to be treated as a temple, as a water droplet landing on the forehead, as a fawn opening its eyes for its first time.  It is all beautiful, it all is boundlessly beautiful.

The Stag who lived forever. Full story here: http://www.storywarren.com/the-stag-who-lived-forever/

The Stag who lived forever. Full story here: http://www.storywarren.com/the-stag-who-lived-forever/

#1 Be true to your work, your word, and your friend.

The work is as much a part of you as the word, the friend, the eyes and the spirit.  It is where the energy of life is going, the prana, creative lifeforce, and it is the deepest connection with the earth beneath and around us that we are communicating in working this energy.

Truth.  What can be truth, when we have to sell ourselves all the time, and pray that we get this or that job because we just need to be able to get some money to pay for the bills for the things that we don’t really need but, really, we do need?

Truth is beyond selling ourselves.  It’s perhaps the biggest, hardest, thing I’ve had to do in a long, long time.  I’m going to have to shave very soon, and wear clothes to conform.  The construction work that I’d hoped for, if all fell through with teaching-related stuff, is out-of-the-question until I get a CSCS card, which I’d have to wait until November for.  So here’s my future.  My beard will be trimmed, hair tidied, and I will play it all on the superficial for a while.  I will sell myself as a commodity, as something that can be looked at and judged by my very cover.  My cover.

Truth is knowing that something deeper is going on here.  Just as in Buddhism it is so important to base oneself around the ‘non-self’ philosophy – we are not really ourselves, there is no permanent ‘self’ there, it’s all a fabrication and illusory and no matter how much we try to claim that we are something in particular we really aren’t – in general truthfulness there is a knowledge that experience is beyond the facade.  We are not this job or that job, or even this body that we are needing to sell for a while.  We are something deeper, beyond appearances or statements.  And that deeper experience of what we are comes different for every single person.  For me, I scream louder than anything around, over and over and over, and that is freedom of what is me.  And I will keep doing this, no matter if I am freshly shaved and in a penguin suit, or not.

Henry David Thoreau wrote, ‘Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth’.  This brings tears down my face, as I remember also in Into The Wild this being uttered, and I remember my brother basing his life some years ago upon words like these….wanting so, so much more than is offered in any way by the society that is around us.  That is what is to be lived for.  Truth.


#2 Be yourself, not your idea of what you think somebody else’s idea of yourself should be.

When we have to sell ourselves so much, and give up so much of what we have perhaps stood for for quite some time, we can feel like we’ve become an idea of someone else’s creation.
Society’s creation,
The Man,
The bloody illuminati,
The mainstream MTV conformists,

God made us what we are.  God is creation.  And creation is within you.  You are creative, you have the unbelievable, indefinable, and unpredictable nature to be creative.  And so you hold the creation within you.  And so you hold God within you.  And so you are made by what is within you.

In Buddhism, there’s the interesting idea of tṛṣṇā.  Tṛṣṇā is craving.  But it is a craving that exists before any conceptualisation of a body, of a physical essence.  It is through tṛṣṇā that karma is born.  The craving for something that needs to be resolves.  Without tṛṣṇā, nothing ever existed.  It is the tṛṣṇā, the unconditional and boundless craving, that creates the existence of all matter and non-matter.  The craving that led to any form of your existence is what makes you what you are.  There isn’t going to be a boss, or a societal movement, or so-called world leaders, or any form of external figure, that is going to ever have the slightest kind of effect on your ultimate nature.  Your world leader is something that you can’t even understand.  Nobody can understand how the world is led – which leads to all these world mysteries, these questions that we cannot possibly answer.

There is nobody’s idea of yourself.  You project an image out to the world, and they take it in and it fixes their minds in some kind of way.  A week and a half ago, I walked through Bath with no top on and covered in blue body-paint.  I didn’t feel like I was topless, as I had all this paint on and felt like I was still wearing a t-shirt.  People didn’t look at me so much.  I was projecting an image of there being nothing unusual about my appearance.

So be your God, be your tṛṣṇā, and allow the world to be much, much vaster than it can sometimes be made out to be.

into wilderness

#3 Cultivate poverty like a garden herb, like sage.  Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts.

The past is going to be with everything that you carry in life.  Things will change, at times, and you’ll remember something from years back and break down crying because it pulls your heart so tightly back to whatever happened, sad or not-so-sad.  No matter what is happening in life, there is still everything that has happened, and we can absolutely thrive off of that.

I meet so many people that refuse any sort of connection with the beauties that they’ve already experienced in life.  So often, one painful moment can block out 10 years, or even longer.  And it’s so sad – because that experience and those memories stay around for the goodness of the world, because once we latch onto them the world around us will tremble with the immensity of the moment.  And it is through that, through connecting with our own existential ancestors (ourselves at different stages in life), that we find a powerful influence and potentially overwhelmingly positive effect on the world.

We are often deceived by what we can gain, in life.  I’ve experienced it myself, a lot.  To buy more stuff, or do more stuff, as to numb that really quite hard-to-deal-with emotional stuff of the past (or of the present, or future) that can come up.  I bought things in France that were mainly for this purpose.  I bought an mp3 player, and a camera, and books, and loads of flour and oil, because all of these were things that could help to numb the troubles of the ‘now’, to stop myself thinking too much into whatever was going on.  The flour and oil was for pancakes, which I’d fill my stomach to the brim with, as a drug.  And since being back in Bath, I’ve had some real issues with just stopping, just really stopping with all the action of doing things all the time and always being busy with stuff, and going into a world of just connecting with myself.  Last week, I realised that I needed to take life independently for a while, and probably not see so many people for a while, as I need to focus on my own stuff a lot.  I feel better alive like this.

Poverty is sacred.  Sage is sacred.  Salvia.  Salvation.
In these times, I am on the very edge of borrowed finances, but it is not through financial loss or gain that one experiences poverty.  Poverty, of small means.  We must conquer ourselves.  Find new means to break all our chains, every cage, to communicate.  Poverty, of small means.  Break every cage.  Make it something great, cultivated.  We are a blob of irresponsible unsustainability, defacing this planet that we call our home.  In poverty, of having small means, we give away all of the excess that we have, and move to a small and minimal way of living.  I remember in Alicante, walking through the old city below the castle, I would encounter the crazy cycles between ultra-rich tourists, and the ganja dealers and cat keepers.  The sun would blaze on us all, though, and great silence was to be found on the westerly walls of the castle grounds at dusk-time.  Wealth does not create silence, but often creates increased chatter, internal and external.  In Eastern Switzerland, I met some of the calmest energies of my life.  It wasn’t such a rich area of Switzerland, and there was something incredibly special there.  There was a huge amount of silence.

#4 Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.

Speechless I lay down my head, shaking from this feeling of total emptiness. No bloody dogmas can save me, no bloody higher power can save me. Just myself, and my creativity, all the things I care for, and all the people I just love for being here. And blood ‘ell, this is why it hurts, this is why it hurts. All the things we lived for, are just going to be bloody well nothing. Just like you. Just like me. But these are our catalysts to keep us going on and on.

Truth.  Freedom.  Making life absolutely what it is and was always meant to be.

I’ve been told by so, so many people, people I’ve met on the road and people I’ve met in other situations, that I am so lucky to be living so freely, to be so young and without commitments.  And yet – am I really so lucky, or am I just following what is always true to me?  Is it really luck that creates a life that is what it feels it’s meant to be?  Is it really luck that makes me able to put my thumb out, to sit in a field of Christmas trees chanting at an emanation of Lord Shiva, that has me swinging around myself and, if I’m lucky, a lovely dancing partner, to music that is moving my body in ways that I don’t want to control because it’s so beautiful to just let the body swing around like this and it’d be such a shame to stop such a deep act of freedom?

I can guarantee that I will still be living the life that I’m meant to be living in 20 years time.  This could even be a life of rotting in the ground – who knows what’s going to happen – or it could be a life as a father with kids, or a life as a long-term jailed ‘criminal’, or a life as a hermit, or a life as a monastic.  It’ll be whatever it needs to be, whatever it’s meant to be.  

Not till we are completely lost or turned around… do we begin to find ourselves.
I was not designed to be forced. I will breathe after my own fashion. Let us see who is the strongest…
Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty. The obedient must be slaves.

I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.

~ Henry David Thoreau.


A eulogy to Lord Nelson, from Norfolk

Resist ignorance!  Escalate peace!  Imagine Light!

We’re known as Nelson’s County.  It says it on the signs as you enter into these lands; and people often talk about this Lord Nelson character.  Things have suddenly changed.  A light, from thousands of miles away, has burnt so bright that it has encapsulated these lands and taken it for all its worth.  Embedded complete Love into the crevices, made it real and vibrant.  We are making great respects to the real Lord Nelson…to the real manifestation of pure light.  We have remembered.


Friday 6th December 2013, 5pm, on bus to King’s Lynn:

Nelson Mandela ‘died’ last night.  I say ‘died’ because his flame burns so bright, so crisp and clear, that a ‘death’ doesn’t appear to have happened, at all.  If anything, he’s started to burn brighter, and give off more warmth, as the world ‘remembers’ what is very much there.  We remember what hasn’t been lost.

I popped into Dersingham church earlier with my mum.  It is a church in a lost part of Norfolk, where people go to die and not to live.  She wanted to show me the Christmas tree display.

We were halfway through the display, when we got to the prayer candles.  In the back left corner of the flickering silence was a photo of Nelson Mandela, with a quote underneath reading:

‘No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.’

I was startled, and my eyes immediately welled up.  Nelson Mandela’s presence was strong and completely pure in this village church.

The message was the most striking thing.  The quote rings out a tune of anti-racism, and it teaches that we should all find the unconditional love that abounded him…and that we must feel and experience the hate in order to know real love.

This photo, quote, and no doubt strong section of glowing candles is a beacon.  A beacon of peace, of truth, and of light in a place that, in the past, people have lost hope for.  

We, in Norfolk, are changing.  Everything is becoming purer, a lot more beautiful and enriching.  In diversity we evolve, and I see so much diversity and light springing up all across this sacred, sacred place.


The most important times ever are happening right now.  Lord Nelson’s legacy is now to take effect:- a lion taking the world for what it is.  Us inspired by his legacy are taking his legacy as our own now.  We are making the world change all around us, for there is no stopping us now.

As London goes up in flames, as the students riot again and again, and this land gets fracked and more fracked, and Nazism leeches over mainland Europe with a new headquarters in southern France, and as the magic all seems to be stripped bare from the world around us, we realise that it’s all something to direct our energies of change into.  We’re not actually separated.  We’re not separated from the Nazis rising up in France and Spain and Italy and Holland.  We’re all just walking each other home.  There is not, and never was, a separation.  We’re working together, ultimately together, always together.

The other night I looked endlessly on youtube for videos of activists hugging police.  The search was spurred by watching a Charlie Veitch video, where he suggests to the police of hugging but he doesn’t really want to at all.  For some reason, I felt the need to watch activists hugging police.  I forgot completely about my memories of Balcombe, when I was hugging police, and when there was mutual appreciation offered between the activists and the police.  There was a tall fence separating us normally, but this didn’t stop my outpourings of Love, so so strong, the Love that completely changes the flow of everything all around me, towards the police, as well as to the gurkhas, and to the other activists, and to the land, and to the emanation of Shiva…to everything.

So as we remember the great energy that the Lord’s Nelson gave to the world, let us also be as he reminded us to be.  Let us be reminded that we are all just walking each other home.  

this is our movement!