Written May 2016
A dream wherein I’m told I’m great just how I am, with all the perks, all the seemingly negative characteristics… It makes me me.
And being pushed every now and then, maybe once a week, to think about ‘just what I’m doing’, and realising every single time, every single time, that I’m doing what feels right, and that’s all that matters.
I’m in high pressure situations a lot of the time. I’m working on not only a spiritually important building project, but also one that’s had loads of money poured into (and is continuing to have so), and am about to be sent to Switzerland to work on a spiritually massive project, and I’m not sure about the material value yet, but have been told it will be very hard work there, and am going just because…….it feels right.
I’ve never done in another way in life, ever since that woeful day at aged 17 when I went to my newly ex-girlfriend’s house despite having a massive gut feeling telling me not to, and spiritually got tossed all around, though on the face of things it was like softening the blows as we cuddled peacefully for just a little while between the storms of violence and anxieties. Ever since then, every single step I’ve taken in life, no matter how daunting, has been one that has felt in some way right.
And I’m asked why I’m here, why I’m in a monastic community that on the face of it has nothing to do with my ancestral lineage…. And the only answer I can ever truly give is that it just feels right. Any other answer would be besides the point.
And I’m told that I’m working on the same frequency as Guru who not only set up Skanda Vale, but also transformed the whole community all around through his sheer presence, and also through dedicating the last 20 years of his life completely to developing a hospice service to the local community after seeing people dying alone in hospital. And it feels right. I’ve been told on numerous occasions that Guru would have liked my work, and that he would’ve liked me. I’m meticulous, apparently, in my work. I just can’t finish a job until it’s done, and it’s only done when it feels right.
I get desires, sometimes constantly, like ask throughout every single day, towards doing one thing or another that I can’t do here. I get dreams or visions of my life in the future. Accordingly I would really love to raise children, and have a family. And also to have a motorbike, and be able to get into a good meditation routine again. And to do ultra-marathons barefoot (or maybe half marathons and then marathons before moving on to ultras). And it’s such a shame that I don’t get to use my badminton skills anymore, or my organisational skills in coordinating/leading projects.
At times it’s like as if I’m living in a…… [stops here]