I recapture things that haven’t been lived in a long time.
Closing my eyes, I have a fierce pulse penetrating this feeble body, jerking and spasming it about as possessed by the sounds, an innoculation to life and depth.
My eyes roll back, all I see are visions, and they are so beautifully resounding, kind of like as if the sweetest voice that sings these melodies has become my vision.
I realise where I am now. It’s been a good few weeks since I last felt I had a day to myself, a day off, a chance to regroup a little. Taking things at a pace that is not defined by anything external.
I bathed myself for over an hour, with a sock full of porridge oats. It was the sweetest thing, to pour this creamy, soothing oitment all over this tarnished skin.
Forest living is cool, really cool. I’m growing my toenails out to fit with my new lifestyle. I’ve been growing them for a few months now, and I feel the special powers that they’re accumulating.
There’s some forest magic going on in these parts. I haven’t felt this safe and connected to my existence in time. I got a 125cc scooter to speed me around, and suddenly I’m finding new forms of freedoms.
I go to the activist meetings in Bath for actions I can’t get to because I have to work, or return home, yada yada, but everyone knows that I work on a spontaneous basis and that the truest forms of action are always those that come spontaneously and are so entirely spiritually energised that it doesn’t matter if there are only two of you rolling around town with some drums and flags and stuff. It doesn’t matter if all your singing is a wordless tune. Because when you find a crowd of 20 surrounding you, all singing that tune you came up with half an hour before and you’re all jumping into the air with hands held to the sky and people having spiritual experiences…..the revolution won’t be televised, nor publicised beforehand, or even thought out in the slightest. When it comes, it comes. It’s great to come together, and something is moving as a result of our coming together. The revolution flies its own wings, and will string itself to its own devices at the right times.
I recently found myself in a situation of talking to someone about my sexuality. They had suggested that something that I had said suggested that I was gay, and I responded firstly in defence, then in questioning, arguing firstly that my sexality shouldn’t be defined by a particular action or by what someone says about me, and then asking ‘and what if I were gay?’. Of course, being ‘confused’ as I am, I do not choose to call myself anything, to categorise myself in any way, and certainly would never suggest that I am a permanent identity. What I am now is more than definitely going to change over time, as has happened plentifully before.
There are these moments I’ve had, as a novice biker, where I’ve been very thankful for all the protection that I must be receiving. just when I roll down a hill a little too fast, and realise a little too late that there’s a corner and my braking is all too sudden and the turning of the corner is cutting things rather fine. I’m gradually learning, but through freaking myself out at times. But there’s nothing better, at the moment, than a long stretch of slightly uphill straight and smooth road, that I can rock up to 60 on. Speeding away from the cars that were seeming to get frustrated with my slower pace on going around the bends and stuff. I can’t do roundabouts. Ellie told me that i’m born to live in Wiltshire. Noone can do roundabouts. And it’s so wacky, and silently lively.
So here’s to life. Here’s to living and breathing in tune with what feels right within ourselves, in every instant. To not worrying about any reaction, as our own true actions will lead us in exactly what directions we need to go in. We may find that we’re not supposed to be somewhere, and it may hurt those around us that we move to something else. And then those around us are inspired by our inspired movement, and make life more real for themselves. Constantly in flux. I’m really sorry, everybody, for everything I’m doing, whenever I’m doing it. I’m sorry that I’m not more of a career-minded, economy-serving mathematician that I was supposed to become. And yet I’m also sorry that I’m not disciplined against the ‘social evils’, providing a consistently strong example of a figure that is overwhelmingly affecting all of society in the right ways. I am following the leads that i am given, and will continue to do this. I am guided throughout my existence. There is no ‘I’ in anything that happens, when it comes down to it, because ‘I’ have no say over what ‘I’ am or even means. I don’t exist as a god-like figure over my existence. I am guided into every situation and experience, and I will continue to live my life through whatever I am guided into, for that is the way it is for me.
I’m very thankful for the support, love, guidance, hospitality, and continuous nourishment I’ve received through everything I’ve been going through for quite some time. Things are now becoming quite different, I can feel, as my life takes new direction and I feel more solid and in the right places at the right times.
To Loving Action, to Compassionate response to everything, and to Peaceful belief in all that is and is due to be.