Tag Archives: Guru

Swami, Jai Jagadisha Hare

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Blessings from the sky, the wind, and the rain.

I can’t say things have been easy.

Almost every day, I am getting different realisations, insights into life and how things are, that destroy over and over any set way of anything being in any way. I question what it’s all about, over and over. Where people dedicate their lives to their cars, households, jobs….and there’s a general encouragement from near enough everyone around me to at least try to do the same. And ever since I was a young teenager, I knew that it wasn’t going to be straightforward, at all, where this life would be heading.

I try to tell people that I’ve seen things that are too special to live this normal life whilst carrying. It’s hard to express this to anyone, except who have lived through it too. I saw Swami Durgananda at Skanda Vale last weekend, and with him I share this total understanding and relating of it all. We lived through all of what built the Somaskanda temple. I still get fairly short of breath thinking about when he was separated from the temple on the day that the murthis arrived, and I was put in charge by default for doing something that I hadn’t been instructed about properly. It was the most important day for the temple upto that point, and somehow I was there to organise everything, without speaking the language, and without any drawings showing where each part was due to go. Yet, it was okay. Swami Durga arrived back just after the last delivery had been finished. And that is what we lived through together. He needed me to take some of the weight. It was what I was there to do. I could take the energetic load.

I have been building a website for Bob, whilst he’s maybe in his final days of life in this realm. He’s a kind soul, and saw that I needed to take on this last wish of his in his long life. I’ve only known him a year, yet have been directed into his most significant karmic episode. I’ve taken it all on as it is. I’ve just watched what’s gone through myself with it all. There isn’t sadness inside me about what’s going on. There’s joy where there are breakthroughs. I had a big block with the website, made some breakthroughs yesterday evening, and then spoke to Bob on the phone today and was really happy to speak to him all about it. It’s funny though – it’s a job that I’ve needed to be able to dedicate myself completely to in my spirit, and I wouldn’t be able to do that if I were working a lot, or busy in any way in life. As life has seemingly come to a halt of some kind, it’s opened things up to allow my focus to be much stronger, and more devotional.

My relationship with my shrine has gone in different directions. I’m feeling myself slowly getting more and more into a meditation practice, for the first time in over 4 years. Things are slowing down, and it’s become possible again. It’s always felt important for me, but never been possible. Bhakti has been my sole practice as a result – but deep meditation practice is what I lost. Devotion and meditation should go together, but it’s hard, and seems to need such a deep processing of so much stuff.

I also have started to go for walks again, for the first time in many months. I hadn’t been for any proper walks by myself in about a year. Then, with this snowstorm coming over us last week, it opened up this beautiful, magnificent world to me all around me. I just need to chant all the time. Chant and be happy, so they say. But chant, no matter what, and there’s unlimited protection there all the time. You need to break down in order to refind. I broke down a lot of what has been beneficial to me over recent years, and it’s come back to me gradually, and I notice it’s importance, I notice it’s effects. I became complacent for years. I’ve been divinely blessed with this opportunity to come back to myself. To refind myself. And it hasn’t happened quickly at all. In the spirit of just letting everything happen, because there’s nothing gained from forcing anything (on a deeper sense), I’ve just waited and it’s come.

The world around me, as well as the world inside me, has seemed and felt much more illusory in recent times. All this stuff that’s written in the news, or on social media….there’s this question inside me, that says, ‘and so…?…what is this? what, really, is this?’. There’s so much relative suffering everywhere. And most of it comes out of disconnecting from nature. It comes out of having a huge disconnection from all life all around everywhere. In Brading, we have few birds, or any wildlife for that matter. There are no foxes, or badgers, or deer. I heard the dawn chorus this morning, but only because I hadn’t gone to bed yet. After the dawn chorus, there’s no bird sound till a little around dusk. The energy around these parts is shaky, like lots of not so good stuff has gone down over a long time. But it’s all quite hidden – people just keep to themselves, and you see nothing. It feels safe. But there’s something really missing. There’s a barrier between everyone and everything. I spent one day in Freshwater, seeing Raymond, and everything was the opposite. There were birds everywhere, playfully dancing about in the winds. People talked, and laughed, and eye contact with everyone, everyone noticing everyone. It had a glorious feeling. It felt like something to work towards. No holding back, no inhibitions.

This body cries out for different things. I offer it all up. I needn’t be in puja or meditation to offer everything up. Just offer it all, as it is, in every breath. Today I found a solution that felt right for my long-term problem of not being able to run. I really feel I can definitely run now, and I’d love to run, but my feet have not been good when I’ve been running. I found that there are minimalist shoes that can be bought very cheaply, in the form of water shoes. I’m excited for running to St Helens along the old road. It feels like that’ll be my running route – though I don’t know which way I’d run back. I’d love to run a half marathon again sometime. And maybe I can get to be in good shape for longer runs. 10 years ago, I needed constant exertion. I couldn’t deal with life without it. I would get headaches and anxious if I hadn’t had a proper exercise in a few days. Now I don’t get that, but I feel not quite right most of the time. Running is the way, because I have learnt deep secrets in how to run, to run to commune with all nature and all things.

I still offer, in many moments of every day, this feeling and suggestion of life going in the direction of a monastic commitment. It would just be a confirmation of how I’ve been living anyway, should I make the commitment. But to live in Skanda Vale would give me much more support, which I’ve noticed the importance of since leaving. And recognising my potential place in the community, that I would have a very real role in fulfilling the works of Guru Sri Subramanium. I will continue to offer in every day. But I do pray, also, that I get given much grace to enjoy dimensions of life where I am now that I would not be blessed to experience once rooted into community life.

I’m eternally grateful for all of the clarity and understandings that I have received in recent times.

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Old Dragon Breath

May this be for the benefit of and aid to all beings seeking, consciously or not, and praising in, Earth/Divine Mother, and in the Earth as the Great Guide in this humble journey that we share.

Yesterday I visited the Great Oak of Brighstone Grove. I had been called to visit for days previous. The ancestors had directed all happenings in this past week to be of right sort to allow for such a pilgrimage to be of the deepest sort.

I traversed by motorised scooter to the vicinity of the Sacred Grove. This scooter had rejected starting on Thursday evening, a cold and misty evening in Newport with a lot of uncomfortable energy around that made my long wait for alternative transport out of the town a fairly difficult experience. It had then also not started on Friday night when I moved it to another parking space. Then yesterday, at about 12.30pm, it started first ‘kick’, and drove me without problem to Brighstone. The feeling of pilgrimage was strongly within me.

I had arranged to be at a meeting in Freshwater at 1pm, and contacted the hosts that I would be late, for I needed to pilgrimage first to the Great Oak.

I spent just a few minutes by the Great tree, when my head came in and I realised I had to really make move for Freshwater for this meeting. I left the tree, and returned to the scooter. It failed to start first time, and proceeded to reject every attempt to kick-start. I tried to start it for about 45 minutes, having a few different people coming to offer help and support. It took me 45 minutes to realise that I was supposed to be on pilgrimage here, and that pilgrimage is timeless. Everything else in regards to worldly matters is sorted out so that the pilgrimage is allowed to happen.

And I returned to the Great Oak.

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...mangala murthi murya!

I sat for a long time on my knees, in prayer/meditation. Surrendering. I had had a challenging last week, and needed this healing reconnection with my ancestral Guides and Gurus.

I came out of sitting with a completely numb right leg, and extended it and laid down and centralised myself on my breathing. Normally the reconnection of the blood stream is uncomfortable and somewhat painful. But this was not. This was a powerful reconnection, as more and more I sunk into the ground and the magnificent energy of protection in this sacred space.

I went into another world. A world between the dream and lucid worlds. Almost like akin to lucid dreaming. And there were different beings visiting me, and offering guidance and support. Beings that let me know that they had always been with me, and now I could see them as they are, I’d found that stillness in place, I could recognise their presence. Sacred feminine energies. Baba and Saint Francis. The formless Guru. The Earth energies, in all plentifulness. The Ether, the Air, the Cosmos.

All the while, I felt vibrational energy within the body that I carry, laid there on the forest floor, shaking the body subtly and intricately. I felt vibrations becoming stronger and more vibrant in the belly and the heart areas. I felt sufferings I’d been carrying for other entities and souls being lifted and transcended. A magnificent lightness, and softening of all of my experiential consciousness.

I was in deep commune with an Earth Spirit that upheld great wisdom and spiritual magnitude.

I was given the opportunity to ask questions that I craved answers for. I found myself having just two that I truly longed for help with. And both relate to my position in worldly happenings.

Should I pursue a monastic life next year? What of becoming a father?

You are already living by monastic discipline and consciousness. There will be no worldly decision that will affect your living as a monk. But you can decide to keep living as a monk or not.
The moment of fathering a child will be the happiest possible experience in life. There is no greater sense of happiness than that.
But there is no right or wrong answer. You will live your karma/path the same regardless of if you are a monk or not, whether or not you father a child. We (the ancestors/Gurus) will be with you regardless of what your worldly decision will be.

I then offered, should the scooter get started for my departure, that I should drive via St Catherine’s and Ventnor, as this would be good for the energy.

There was a rustle of people coming, and a persistent whistle, as communicating with me. I opened my eyes and tilted my head back, and saw Blair and Maitri standing in loving awareness. They were both wary of my physical well-being, and I guess I must have shown signs of being quite in-between worlds.

I thanked the Blessed Grove for hosting this enlightening gathering of between-worlds, shared in some beautiful time with Blair and Maitri, and we made our way to the scooter, bidding farewell until the next time to the Great Oak.

The scooter started on the first kick-start, which I laughed a lot about and mentioned about the ridiculousness of the situation. The ancestors had granted my leaving. Of course I wasn’t allowed to leave earlier when such great souls had made long journeys to meet with me.

I drove the chilly but highly charged route up to St Catherine’s and around to Ventnor, Shanklin, Sandown and back to my base at Brading. Much of the journey I was feeling nauseous but surrendered into the arms of Lord Shiva. What else. What else.
I sung devotional songs to Lord Shiva for the whole journey, understanding that any lapse in concentration from this would put at threat the world directly all around me. It really is just that – either bless or destroy the world around me. And I must, for the sake of all that I traverse alongside as well as this being that I carry, focus solely on the blessing of all that is around me.

And everyone’s looking for a place to put their love…

[previously unpublished]
Written May 2016

U.n.c.o.n.d.i.t.i.o.n.a.l.l.o.v.e.

A dream wherein I’m told I’m great just how I am, with all the perks, all the seemingly negative characteristics… It makes me me.

And being pushed every now and then, maybe once a week, to think about ‘just what I’m doing’, and realising every single time, every single time, that I’m doing what feels right, and that’s all that matters.

I’m in high pressure situations a lot of the time. I’m working on not only a spiritually important building project, but also one that’s had loads of money poured into (and is continuing to have so), and am about to be sent to Switzerland to work on a spiritually massive project, and I’m not sure about the material value yet, but have been told it will be very hard work there, and am going just because…….it feels right.

I’ve never done in another way in life, ever since that woeful day at aged 17 when I went to my newly ex-girlfriend’s house despite having a massive gut feeling telling me not to, and spiritually got tossed all around, though on the face of things it was like softening the blows as we cuddled peacefully for just a little while between the storms of violence and anxieties. Ever since then, every single step I’ve taken in life, no matter how daunting, has been one that has felt in some way right.

And I’m asked why I’m here, why I’m in a monastic community that on the face of it has nothing to do with my ancestral lineage…. And the only answer I can ever truly give is that it just feels right. Any other answer would be besides the point.

And I’m told that I’m working on the same frequency as Guru who not only set up Skanda Vale, but also transformed the whole community all around through his sheer presence, and also through dedicating the last 20 years of his life completely to developing a hospice service to the local community after seeing people dying alone in hospital. And it feels right. I’ve been told on numerous occasions that Guru would have liked my work, and that he would’ve liked me. I’m meticulous, apparently, in my work. I just can’t finish a job until it’s done, and it’s only done when it feels right.

I get desires, sometimes constantly, like ask throughout every single day, towards doing one thing or another that I can’t do here. I get dreams or visions of my life in the future. Accordingly I would really love to raise children, and have a family. And also to have a motorbike, and be able to get into a good meditation routine again. And to do ultra-marathons barefoot (or maybe half marathons and then marathons before moving on to ultras). And it’s such a shame that I don’t get to use my badminton skills anymore, or my organisational skills in coordinating/leading projects.

At times it’s like as if I’m living in a…… [stops here]

Resting in peace

These last months have been incredibly reinforcing of why it is that I have made the decisions that I have made, and also very exacting towards myself to absolutely connect with whatever I went through as an adolescent.

The home of my youth is soon to be moved out of, my mum has sold it and is moving on to dreamlands, and I go to the land of my future, the community that has already stirred and started my life in so many ways, in the realm of gods and golden skies of west Wales.

But, this is by no means and ending of anything.  If anything, it is a reckoning of life in its fullest extent:- a realisation that things all evolve from something.  I am not what I have become without having gone through everything that I have gone through.

I worked at a vegetable factory for 4 days in August.  Those days were the most intense of days.  The love I fell into kindled me, caressed me, and yet my back was like as if about to break.  I had no choice but to quit, despite having found such amazing grace whilst for 11 hours a day sorting rapidly through trillions of beans on a conveyor belt in a completely artificial environment.  Amma, Amma, Amma.  How your name comes to me in the most trying of times…

Last December, early in the morning of Wednesday 17th, I awoke to banging and thick smoke.  I was watching over the house that I was living in whilst the friends I lived with were on holiday in Thailand.  I ventured downstairs, and the living room was a blaze.  Thus became an incredible fight and stark visions.  I was almost naked, yet the heat was pumping me into hypospherical state.  By incredible grace, I was still alive, and I put out the fire, but this was the beginning of a new beginning for me.  I got kicked out of the house a few months later (which was really good of my friends, to give me a few months to steady myself, maintain a sense of solidity..), and this, pretty much, pushed me to see no option other than eventually moving into Skanda Vale.

I don’t want communication with huge amounts of people anymore – no matter how good the communications are, nor how nice the people are.  I don’t want to have comforts anymore.  I don’t want to be earning money so that I could do something with it.  I don’t want to even go dumpster diving anymore.  I want solidity, and to deepen the connections of my heart, and that is all.  Come along and check me out with my progress with that, and you will find me at Skanda Vale.  I move there a week today (Monday 17th October).

Last night, I had a dream.  I had a somewhat apocalyptic dream.  In the dream, there was fire, and smoke, a lot of smoke, everywhere.  The date was 17th October 2015.  And, maybe it is just full of symbolism.  I am burning it all up into smoke.  Just as Chris would often speak of Babylon burning, maybe making a decision like this is all that is needed to send it up into smoke (metaphorically).  All the desires, the putrefaction of life, it can come to an end like this.

Over this past weekend, I have been filled with huge amounts of insights and realisations about loads of things.  The strongest thing was my intimate connection with so much around me.  I had really intimate connections with quite a few people around me, and going to the Thursday Waves 5 Rhythms in Caledonian Road exasperated this, and then just several outpourings of lots of love from different people at the London Skanda Vale seminar filled me to the brim.  This kind of connection needs to be plentiful, and shared all around, to everyone and everything.  You have no idea how far it can go.  It really really does make a massive difference to give someone a hug for a minute instead of a second.  And to dance with even the most lost of people.  And to hold hands, to reach out to each other, to say ‘I am here for you’ over and over whilst looking deep into the other’s eyes and then being told ‘I am here for you’ by the other.  We need to be real!  We need to say things that may sound like they would confuse the situation, even make things weird between us and everyone else, and just say them because there’s no point holding it back anymore!  Say it all!  Express all the love, all of it, all of it.

Jason Rowe taught at the Thursday Waves about going further, never giving up.  He said about how he’d had a really terrible day, everything was going haphazard, to the point of him needing to scream as it had all got too much and I imagine he probably cried a lot too.  This happens in the dance a lot, too.  When we dance, we dance the dance of our lives.  We have our whole lives come out, and speak through movement, crystalise everything around it, freeze it all in time.  And, our lives are full of so much, and so much is really full of emotion.  It follows us upto death, and beyond to everything that goes beyond death.  And all we can do is either ignore it or allow it to take hold of us and cradle us all around this universe.  We are universes waiting to be collide and form all new things.  Our emotion takes us further than anyone or anything else ever can.  We are guided so much more strongly by our tears than a plane by its fuel.

So maybe I am saying goodbye to the world now.  Maybe I am soon to be going into a monastery, where I will spend the rest of this lifetime.  I do not know.  All I know is that it is my next massive leap.  I am leaving everything behind physically, but on a deeper level I am taking everything with me much more so than I have ever done before.  I am taking childhood friends who RIP’d over the years, I am taking former and present loves, I am taking bands and music and energy from projects and the world’s political everything and all of the sufferings of everything that I have taken on in these last few months.  Don’t think I’ve been here just to hang out.  I’m taking it all, and in the world of revolutionary-needing-to-change-absolutely-everything, this is my final big explosion of doing it all.  My activist marching days ended a long while ago, when I realised that I was actually leading hundreds of rioters to wherever they went with my drumming.  I’d got to that point, and it was time to retract, to withdraw and prepare my next hand.  I feel into everything, feel everything that everyone’s going through, take it all in like a hydrogen collider, and store it to be all processed in the only way that I see possible anymore.  There is no place elsewhere in the world where I feel it possible to do so much change.  So don’t think that I’ve withdrawn from the world.  Because I haven’t.  The revolution will not be televised, for there is no television anymore where there is revolution.  We have always been tapping into deeper levels with all this, and a deeper immersion into it all is the only way.  I’m not saying that I’m suddenly better or more elite than anyone else, but that when Phil Ochs ended his life he was ready to work on a deeper level than apparently possible in the world at the time.  When yogis retreat into disappeared places, they don’t do it to forget about or escape the world.  The Buddha was always bigger than Lenin, or than Che Guevara, or than Gandhi, and everything that he did was completely revolutionary.  Thinking and doing and being out-of-the-box.  There’s a reason why there’s a box in the first place, and most of the apparent activist movement, as well as spiritual and everybody else movement, is really quite tightly wrapped up in it because that’s what maya, delusion/illusion, is capable of doing.  We believe so much in our ‘self’ that we see nothing outside of it, and forget about the omnipresence of deeper and more beautiful things because we’ve theorised ourselves away from it.

Resting in Peace.  Here’s to Sophie for building me up for a change that I would’ve never got to had I not been so messed up and thrown all around by our teenage breakup.  Here’s to Phil and Tom for, through the deaths, igniting inspiration to live deeper and fuller than I had been, for clearing the cobwebs inside of me and making sure things really really do count.  Here’s to Graham and the King’s Lynn Firm for combining forces inadvertently in making a real night to remember for me, January 14th 2006.  Here’s to the Fox’s (neighbours) for the comical connections that we’ve shared over the years, seemingly concluding in style more recently.  Here’s to all who have helped this body get to whichever place when it has stuck out a thumb.  Here’s to Alex, for not being afraid or resistant to what felt right.  Here’s to Welsh James, for becoming the life-friend of Nessie, and for joining me with much of the teenage needs to just set fire to things.  Here’s to my parents for all of the dramas that have unfolded in my childhood and adolescent life – all of which, really, they’ve had no choice about at all on a universal level.  Here’s to all three of my siblings, for their continued enthusiasm and always keeping their arms and hands open when I’ve come by.  Here’s to Kudo for providing so much fruit to all around.  Here’s to Larissa, Sam, and all other loves/nearly loves that have taken me on a trip somewhere.  Here’s to pretty much everyone at Skanda Vale for accepting me somewhat unconditionally, every time I’ve gone there, and just allowing me to go through everything I’ve needed to.  Here’s to Nikki, Nikki, Alina, Gabriella, Victor, Dyal Singh…..all who encountered me and offered so much healing and love.  Here’s to Linda, and to Tara, and to bloody Occupy Rob, incredible people to have had as friends at incredible times.  And here’s to the bands that have transformed everything for me all along this journey (in chronological order from oldest to newest..)….AFI, Sick Of It All, Arch Enemy, Bridge To Solace, Vanilla Pod/Frenzy/Stranglehold, Social Distortion, The King Blues, Bomb The Music Industry, A Silver Mt Zion, Okkervil River, Modern Life Is War.  And here’s to Ajahn Brahm, and to Ray Raine, Lama Chime Rinpoche, Guru Sri Subramanium, and all other teachers who have ventured into my life to give nothing but total grace.  Thankyou, even in the darkest of experiences, everything that has happened is everything that has happened, and that is beautiful.

If anyone would like to write to me at Skanda Vale, my address will be this:

Simon Jilley
Skanda Vale,
Llanpumsaint,
Carmarthen
SA33 6JT
United Kingdom

Out!