Tag Archives: temple building

… You still haven’t lost her

[previously unpublished]
Written August 2016

150 meteors per hour, my body vibrating with the cold of the night, but talking about mountain yogic practice of melting snow on one’s bare body by focusing on the temperature being a fire and thus it becomes so.

Temple building. It’s surreal sometimes – I’m here whether I like it or not, because it felt right to come here, and feels right to continue to be here. But what grips me, what really really grips me and makes my heart buzz and beat stronger, is this massive sensation I got the other day that I am going to run a full marathon. And, this temple building is a part of that – an intense focus, I a character is this unravelling, but it’s pushing me in directions, most that I ignore but some that are so particularly vivid. Running 26 miles. The furthest I’ve ever ran is 13 miles, and last time I did that, March last year, it was so so hard as I hadn’t trained properly. But 26 miles on dodgy hips seems like quite an undertaking.

I get challenges a lot. Last week, I had to cut into the foundations of the Nandy murthi (which is yet to arrive) for taking out the belts that will be carrying the murthi into place. I became very nervous about this job, my stomach turning on thinking about it. But it went fine, was intense but I’m will experienced in angle grinding and breaking now that that came through beyond the anxiety.
This week, I have experiences of my emotional boundaries being pushed a fair bit. When this is happening, I find I just have to stand back and watch as I get a little infatuated again. Offer it to the divine at the next possible opportunity, and release it all. Allow life to continue to be constantly guided, as it always has been, and always will for as long as I allow so. Whatever’s meant to happen will happen with our without my conscious input.

My heart yearns, letting me know it needs more attention.

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And everyone’s looking for a place to put their love…

[previously unpublished]
Written May 2016

U.n.c.o.n.d.i.t.i.o.n.a.l.l.o.v.e.

A dream wherein I’m told I’m great just how I am, with all the perks, all the seemingly negative characteristics… It makes me me.

And being pushed every now and then, maybe once a week, to think about ‘just what I’m doing’, and realising every single time, every single time, that I’m doing what feels right, and that’s all that matters.

I’m in high pressure situations a lot of the time. I’m working on not only a spiritually important building project, but also one that’s had loads of money poured into (and is continuing to have so), and am about to be sent to Switzerland to work on a spiritually massive project, and I’m not sure about the material value yet, but have been told it will be very hard work there, and am going just because…….it feels right.

I’ve never done in another way in life, ever since that woeful day at aged 17 when I went to my newly ex-girlfriend’s house despite having a massive gut feeling telling me not to, and spiritually got tossed all around, though on the face of things it was like softening the blows as we cuddled peacefully for just a little while between the storms of violence and anxieties. Ever since then, every single step I’ve taken in life, no matter how daunting, has been one that has felt in some way right.

And I’m asked why I’m here, why I’m in a monastic community that on the face of it has nothing to do with my ancestral lineage…. And the only answer I can ever truly give is that it just feels right. Any other answer would be besides the point.

And I’m told that I’m working on the same frequency as Guru who not only set up Skanda Vale, but also transformed the whole community all around through his sheer presence, and also through dedicating the last 20 years of his life completely to developing a hospice service to the local community after seeing people dying alone in hospital. And it feels right. I’ve been told on numerous occasions that Guru would have liked my work, and that he would’ve liked me. I’m meticulous, apparently, in my work. I just can’t finish a job until it’s done, and it’s only done when it feels right.

I get desires, sometimes constantly, like ask throughout every single day, towards doing one thing or another that I can’t do here. I get dreams or visions of my life in the future. Accordingly I would really love to raise children, and have a family. And also to have a motorbike, and be able to get into a good meditation routine again. And to do ultra-marathons barefoot (or maybe half marathons and then marathons before moving on to ultras). And it’s such a shame that I don’t get to use my badminton skills anymore, or my organisational skills in coordinating/leading projects.

At times it’s like as if I’m living in a…… [stops here]