Racing into Nothing

I’ve fallen in love with quite a few people recently. Most recently, the girl who comes in singing in Bomb The Music Industry’s ‘All Ages Show’ has completely taken me away. Last week, I was rather taken away by the girl talking to me about anything but World Wildlife, who I actually gave my contact details to. At 5 Rhythms, I’m constantly falling in love with everyone there, girls and guys, young and old. I had an extraordinary encounter with an absolutely mesmerising girl when I was interviewing at Bristol Temple Meads the other week. I’m having these amazing encounters, yet it beats me up completely when one relationship becomes sour in any way, and I just can’t deal with things not being so at peace. It’s happened a few times in recent times, and I know I have to go through so much inner-processing to work through each time.

I’m really, really, really wanting to get some paints, canvases, and paint in every moment of free time I have. I picture myself at the mill in a room, in my space, being able to do this, and great releases coming through it. I’m seeing myself riding off over the hills on my scooter with a backpack and a tent and sleeping bag and paints and paper and pencils and drawing it all together again, as the jigsaw became so puzzled for so long, but it’s so simple when it all always leads back to love anyway.

A painting from Brittany in late February 2014

I realised that it’s been 9 years. Shit! It sent me completely in new directions, 8 years ago I being thrown all around, tumbling into this far deeper and braver new world than I ever envisioned could exist. Here I am now. Nothing’s forever, dude. I’m still nowhere near a point in life of really settling. And I feel I’m just getting further away! With a new block of friends about to dive into this deep zone, away from the institutionalised façade of life, it’s like I’m about to feel another warm gust brush all my hair to a new side of my face.

And I wouldn’t trade it for the world. This life has experienced so many brilliant things, and they just keep on bounding along too. There are so many places that have opened arms and doors to me, I have homes wherever I take these bare feet to, and I realise more and more the idea that home is ‘where the heart is’.

Breathe in, there is space, breathe out and there’s love. Breathe in, space, breathe out, love. This is the mantra to my yoga. To my kriya, my asanas, my bhakti and karma. It is the 3-fold discipline, over and over. Bhakti, karma and jnana yoga all rolled into one, in every moment of every moment. Breathe in. Space. Breathe out. Love. Repeat, repeat, ad infinitum.

We talked tonight about this living thing that we’re doing, and that neither of us knew the point or anything about what it’s all about. Sure, we can go on with our pursuits in whatever ways in life, maybe become a monk or a teacher or live off-grid and try to change the world. But is there a reason for doing any of this? What are we driven by? Why are we doing this, where did our enthusiasm come from, what sparked it all, and what if we just decided to stop doing any of it?

I would like to take this opportunity, for whatever readership this writing may have, to highly rate Bomb The Music Industry’s album Vacation. I think it’s their most recent, and available freely from their QuoteUnquote Records. It is, for me, a direct transmission from God. The music is so pure, so exactly put together to cast 50 years of influences in 13 simple punk rock tracks. They hold a similar importance, for me, as A Silver Mt Zion, the You, You’re A History In Rust album from Do Make Say Think, and Of Bitterness And Hope from Bridge To Solace.

I feel really quite fortunate that I didn’t die in an inferno two months ago. It doesn’t feel quite like it’s time to go, there’s so much love to keep spreading, so many people’s worlds to immerse myself into, so much to fall in love with.