‘This one’s for you, survivor’

They never would have believed that we would make it in the end.

I sit here, preparing to write another essay, perhaps the most challenging one so far due to my utter lack of interest in writing it, and a sadness overcomes me (again).  Sadnesses have overcome plentifully these last days and weeks.  They’re everywhere.  Absolutely everywhere.  And they don’t get provoked – they just rise up like the snake that slithers up through the wet, solid, clay-ey soil to breathe again on the surface with the moss and ferns.

I remember some of the hardest times for me.  I often refer to when I was 17 as being a very hard time, but there were many things before then that could have taken me if it were meant to be the time.  This emptiness was always so difficult to accommodate myself with.  There was a new year’s, where I was on my own for at least three days without seeing anyone in the whole time, and barely speaking to anyone.  I think I was 15 or 16 years old.  I saw the world in a hugely different way in this time, and it settled in me.
There were plenty of other times when I was left to myself, when things were very painful at tender ages.

My grandfather passed on when I was barely eight years old, leaving his house, in his will, to my mum.  I remember going to the house, perhaps in the easter holidays, and I got in a fight with Jason and we’d both exchanged blows.  I ended up with a deep, aching pain on the outside of my upper right leg.  We moved into the house in July 1998, which effected the split between my mum and dad, and us and him.  The deep, aching pain that I had in my upper right leg repeated itself over and over over the next years.  I was told that it was just growing pains, that it was nothing to be worried about.  I was told repeatedly that the only condition that I had was hypochondria.
I went to the doctors on numerous occasions for things in my right lower back/upper leg.  At 16, I went with this same deep and aching pain, that had exasperated itself.  They prescribed, of course, painkillers.  This prescription felt like I was being completely ignored as I was revealing something deep and personal.  At 17, I had quite severe tightness in my lower back on my right side, which caused me to stop going to taekwondo.  I had an appointment with an osteopath, and he clicked everything lots and charged my mum a reduced rate because she practiced at his clinic.  Of course, nothing much changed.  I still couldn’t do taekwondo, and so allowed it to be.  I’d accumulated not being able to lift my right leg very high anymore – so what?  I didn’t need it anyway..
When I came to Bath, a part of my plan for being here was to sort out everything that had become unbalanced over my life.  I would stop, look at it, and see it all heal.  It wasn’t so long until this hip thing came up, and it has risen to supreme level.  I had to stop cycling because of it – and I don’t know if or when I will ever cycle again – and I am currently grounded from running because of it, as it has inflamed over the damper winter months.  I got it scanned, and sure as sure, it appears to be osteoarthritis.  A clinical imbalance – as if I needed it to be proven to me.  People get convinced by clinical trials, rather than by personal trials.  I’ve known for a long time that this hip isn’t right, that whole area isn’t right.
In Louise Hay’s book How To Heal Your Life, she suggests that upper thigh problems represent retaining childhood trauma.  Meanwhile, she suggest that hip problems represent fear of going forward with major decisions.

There’s an absolutely massive decision sitting inside of me.  I see that it is the only way to go in the long run, and maybe I just have to let people deal with the harsh realities of what it involves without letting their troubles of dealing with it restrict my movement.

I find myself in a position, today, that I have never been in before.  The world is all around me, and it is literally glowing through the fair hairs on my hands.  I have the most potential ever to create revolution.  I don’t know of the potential in others around me, as they go off in their directions.  But I likewise don’t know for sure that my potential will be fulfilled.  I just know of the potential that is right there, right in front of me.

You never meditated the night away?  Why do you complain so much, then??
Golden.  That’s the colour.
From vengeance to victory.
If you find that life you’re looking for, please paste it up on the railway wall someday.  Those commuters are looking for something…
I fell in love with myself, the doctor told me today.
Once you’re off the bridge, why do you need to fear the ground anymore?

Breathe, we got here.
Breathe, we got here.
Breathe, we got here.
Breathe, we got here.
there is noone chasing us anymore.
Dad got you some air
and Mum got you some bread
and you’ve got us all here
loving you as our unconditional son.
Breathe, we got here.
Breathe, we got here.
Breathe, we got here
and what divided us long ago
has been spat in the bin
where it should have been in the first place.
Breathe, we got here.
Breathe, we got here.
Breathe, we got here.

If anyone does read this, and doesn’t know this already, I love you with all my heart, and always will.  You are me, and we are not separate.  You are in me, just as I am in you.  For as long as we are like this, you are always in my hug.  Always.  Always.  And we are like this forever.  Everything.  It is all always a part of us.  I AM.  YOU ARE.  WE IS.  Don’t let yourself get tied up by things saying that you are not me, that you are not in my hug right now.  You are in my hug right now.  Just feel it, be it, be free, be love, be everything, allow it all to unite.

this is what we are.  what you see is what you get.  so come on, come on and join us.  this is as real as it gets.
Originally from: http://sisinvincible.livejournal.com/117324.html on January 25, 2013, 17:55.

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